


This Time Will Be Different

by Cazio



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU, Angst, Dark, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Thorki - Freeform, Thunderfrost - Freeform, mpreg!loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 20:38:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cazio/pseuds/Cazio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Loki has to cope with his husband's absence while dealing with his fourth pregnancy. Thor does not know about it yet, and Loki has no plans to tell him, until Thor arrives home earlier than expected. </p><p>In Loki's life, many things have arrived this way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Time Will Be Different

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This fic deals with extremely dark themes that are not cheery and include miscarriage and some mentions of abortion, though no abortion actually occurs or has occurred in the story.

Loki mused over yet another parchment, studying the terms laid out in a fashion clearly meant to try and confuse the reader. Behind all of the unnecessary vocabulary was an overconfident warrior of the higher ranks asking for a plot of land to be given to him free of charge. Every warrior knew that no brave hero ever asked for awards or merit, but earned them instead. Though Loki himself had never been much interested in how warriors acted—having Thor had always been enough to convince him that they were no different than a herd of bigoted stallions—but even he knew that this warrior’s request was against the very framework of loyalty.

He dipped his quill in ink, watching as the stained grey of the feather was once again doused in complete darkness. The warrior would be receiving plenty of humiliation and a temporary service as a practice target for the younger boys of the army. A smirk tugged at Loki’s lips as he wrote a witty response, calling out the warrior’s lack of loyalty and his supposed “unequaled might.” He wrote that such a boast would not go unnoticed by his husband either, his husband who was the true holder of “unequaled might.” Loki leaned closer and blew across the parchment, drying the ink with a chilled breath.

With a small smile curling the edges of his lips, he extended the parchment out to his side.

“I have a rather amusing query from one of your warriors, my love. Something I suggest you attend to from—“ Loki paused. He glanced over to Thor’s desk to find the seat pushed in and all of the documents and scrolls exactly where they had been yesterday, and the day before that. He pressed his lips closed and cleared his throat once before standing up.

Thor had been gone for almost three weeks to settle a border dispute. Things were turning for the worse on the northern end of the realm and Thor had said that there would likely be bloodshed before his return home.

Loki glanced down at the paper again and quietly walked over to his husband’s desk, where everything was askew. Thor always claimed that it was perfectly in order for the way he went about paperwork, but Loki was always keen to scold him when he lost something in his mess of a desk.  Loki deposited the letter on a stack of papers, his fingertips hesitantly fluttering on the parchment. Then he decided that it did need a bit of cleaning, so he set about organizing the desktop. Scrolls were rolled up with a bit of magic, dusted lightly and placed into a neat pile. Letters that had not been signed or looked at were stacked separately, each so that it was folded into equal thirds and was not bent or creased inappropriately.

Very few letters had been signed in Thor’s handwriting. His brother had never spent much time outside of lessons when it came to practicing his calligraphy, but his writing was far better than most of Asgard’s penmanship.  Loki gently thumbed across the hurriedly written signature on one of the letters, then folded each one and used magic to summon his cup of already-heated wax. Then he picked up Thor’s crest stamp and pressed it to the red liquid before it dried. He did this to each of the eleven documents that Thor had signed, then placed each of them in a neat stack inside of their outgoing mail basket.

Loki moved back to the desk and sorted through the rest of the mess until he had five stacks of papers, each of which were positioned perfectly parallel to the edge of the desk and equally spaced apart. A light dusting to the oak and he was finished, with his document about the misguided warrior placed directly in the center for Thor to see first.

Pleased with his work, Loki let out a little huff of satisfaction and glanced about the room to make sure that everything else was in order. This room used to be his bedchamber before he and Thor had been married. They had decided to use it as their study. Since Odin and Frigga had stepped down from the throne, he and Thor ruled now, both as kings.  The only reason Loki had not joined his brother in battle was because he had needed a good three weeks to get things in order again. Thor was not detail-oriented or a perfectionist when it came to running a realm, though he tried very hard to be. They both knew that Loki was the one who could truly keep things organized and make sure that nothing slipped through the cracks. Besides, Loki enjoyed being pampered as if he were the only king, whereas Thor constantly pined for him when he was away and wrote letters constantly.

With a little smile on his face, Loki pressed the door open and entered the corridor. He missed Thor with all of his heart, of course, but he was not open about it as Thor was. Their love was private—well, most days it was. Sometimes he couldn’t help but get carried away when Thor charmed him or kissed him with that wonderful mouth. Loki knew that after his husband returned there would be at least a week’s worth of days like that where the populace had to roll their eyes with how affectionate they were in such a public position. Even so, Loki only ever responded to Thor’s letters when they concerned kingly affairs. His only sentiment was when he signed with a ‘I miss you dearly’ or ‘Your Love.’ There were other things too, but they were just between the two of them and only Thor would see the meaning behind them.

“My king,” a servant said in greeting, bowing to the floor. “Lady Sif calls for your council.”

Loki nodded once. “I will see her soon enough.”

“Yes, m’lord. I will tell her of your impending arrival.”

Loki continued through the hall as the servant scurried away, then stopped at a door he knew well. Storm clouds were etched gold, along with great slain stags and Mjolnir. He opened the door and closed his eyes at the faint scent of his husband that still lingered there. Many times he had come to this room, sometimes with his arms wrapped tightly around Thor’s neck, sometimes in the dead of night when he knew none would be awake.

Now the room had a different purpose. It had been painted purple and gold, and redecorated to match the new color scheme. Instead of a grand bed there was an ornate crib, a plush rocking chair and no sharp corners for a small child to hit. There was a bookshelf full of children’s tales—many of which were read to he and Thor in their childhood. A massive fur of snow panther covered most of the floor, the fur soft and warm and waterproof. Every piece of furniture for a child sat inside, all of it covered in a thin layer of dust.

Loki moved his hand to his stomach, still flat but not as flat as it had been when Thor left. He closed his eyes and remembered the first time he had told Thor that he was with child. Then the second, Then the third. Now, on his fourth pregnancy, Loki had not told anyone.  He ran his finger over the polished wood frame of the crib, then rubbed the dust between his fingers. Thor had been ecstatic the first time, insisting that the entire room be complete before the child was born. Loki gripped the edge of the crib. That pregnancy had only lasted three months.

Thankfully, Loki had been alone when it happened, when the bleeding began. Thor had been away for the night, hunting with Fandral. Loki told his husband when he returned and Thor had been devastated. But they tried again.

And they failed. Loki swallowed thickly and lowered himself to the floor to run his finger through the thick fur there. The second occurred in the third month also, but he had simply gone flat again—all signs of his child gone, as though it had been a dream. But the third time had crippled them. Thor mostly, because he had been bullishly convinced that because they were almost five months along that the baby would come.

Loki lifted his hands to his face, quivering madly and trying his damnedest not to cry. He’d failed them. At first he had actually thought his Jotun body was a blessing because they could actually produce children on their own, but now he knew differently.  Now he knew he was truly cursed. He had damned their lineage—Thor’s lineage. Thor had wanted so badly to be a father. Each night he had rubbed Loki’s swollen belly and pressed kisses and told stories. Now he would never be a father by Loki, he would never have the four children he so desperately wanted. And it was his fault.

After discovering his fourth pregnancy, he’d sometimes imagined what it would be like to just cut the child out on his own. He would never dream of doing so, of course, but the thought had occurred to him. Because Thor would find out in a few more weeks and Loki could not bear to see him so brutally crushed a fourth time  when the child perished. Enduring the pain of stabbing himself in the belly would be nothing compared to that.

Loki’s fingers curled tightly in his hair and he rested his elbows on his knees, letting out a low sound of anguish  when the door suddenly flew open.

“Get out!” he snarled. Looking behind him would mean the servant seeing his tears, but instead bootsteps thundered forward. Loki’s mouth opened to shout again, but his throat closed and all he did was release a choked sob instead.

Strong arms wrapped around him and he struggled violently, though he knew it was Thor. He punched and smacked and kicked and kneed but Thor only held him tighter, burying his face into his shoulder.

“Loki, what are you doing here?” Thor asked softly. “Why have you come here?”

Loki had stopped struggling and now turned to the side, burying his face into Thor’s chest, allowing no tears to fall. Thor hated it when he cried and another sorrow might snuff out the thunderer’s light once and for all.

Thor’s hand smoothed over his hair, stroking soothingly. “I am here, there is no need to cry. Shh, I am here now.”

Loki shook his head, his lip trembling too much to speak as he clutched tightly to Thor’s tunic. He smelled like forest and horses and warmth. But it wasn’t enough. Not when Loki knew that he would crush Thor’s heart yet a fourth time.

“I wanted to surprise you so I rode through the night to arrive here first. To see you. I wanted to hold you again, my love. But not like this, not here,” Thor rumbled, rubbing a hand over Loki’s shoulder. He nuzzled gently at Loki’s forehead, coaxing him to look up. Loki turned his chin up slowly, then squeezed his eyes shut when he felt Thor shift to kiss him.

“I’m with child,” he whispered, his lips trembling.

Thor paused for a moment, but Loki did not open his eyes. He began to quake, his entire body became nothing but anguish and fear and pain.

“I-I’m with child,” he repeated. “I’m with child and I’m going to kill another—“

“No,” Thor boomed, squeezing him tighter. Then his voice softened, “It has never been your fault.”

But it was. Thor certainly was at no fault—all he had done was plant his seed.  From then on everything was his fault. He alone was in charge of the child’s wellbeing until it was born. And each time he had failed.

“It’s going to die, Thor,” he whispered, burying his face into his brother’s neck. “I d-didn’t want to tell you because it’s going to die. “

Thor nuzzled him, rocking slightly and holding him so tightly that Loki thought he might stop breathing. But it was good.

“It will not die, not this time,” Thor murmured into Loki’s hair. “This time we’ll have a baby. Our baby.”

“No.” Loki shook his head. “We’re not having a baby. You cannot think that way, not again. Never again.”

Thor kissed the crown of his head and Loki could only try to breath as his brother began to cry, shaking and sobbing quietly into his hair. Usually he would try to comfort Thor as he always did, but Loki found that he no longer had the strength. All he could do was burrow against Thor’s skin and gasp for air as his throat constricted.

“I love you,” Thor said after crying for a few moments. “The entire time I was away I worried about you. I worried that you would come here and I would not be there to comfort you. “

“I promised I wouldn’t,” he whispered.

“Yes, but I worried. I always worry about you, Loki. I love you so much.”

Loki shifted his arms until they were around Thor’s neck. “I missed you,” he breathed. “At night I could not sleep and I wanted you beside me again. “

“I am beside you now,” Thor assured him, pressing gentle kisses to his cheeks. “This time will be different.” He leaned back, smoothing strands of hair from Loki’s face. Thor’s eyes were so blue, so inviting and warm. Safe.

“We will go the healers right now and they will give you those elixirs again,” Thor said, pressing their foreheads together.

Loki had once thought that the elixirs would save the child, but twice he had been wrong.

“And then I will take you from the palace and we will move to the Southern beaches and leave Mother and Father to watch the realm. Just until you’ve had the child.”

“Thor, you cannot leave, not with the borders—“

“And then we will spend every day together. You may sleep as late as you wish, I will cook all of your meals and you will not have to look atone piece of parchment. I will make you tea and you can bring your books and we will be happy together,” Thor said, smiling though tears still tracked down his cheeks. “I will not leave you, not even if Asgard burns to the ground.”

Loki let out a quiet sob before pressing his head to the base of Thor’s neck. “We are kings, Thor, we cannot leave our kingdom.”

“Then I will rule the realm from there. You will rest.”

Loki’s fingers curled into the fabric of Thor’s tunic. Yes, he needed tea and books and Thor to be with him always. No papers to look over or dinners to attend. Just the two of them. Maybe then the child would survive.

“Yes,” he finally whispered. “Let us do that.”

And so they did.

 

 

* * *

  

The cottage was only about the size of their bedchamber in the palace, but it was just right for the two of them. Thor cooked every meal, sometimes burning his dishes because they kissed for too long, but Loki never minded. Warm tea was always placed beside him when he sat and read in a chair on the sand, shaded by a parasol Thor had brought with them. He drank an elixir each morning and evening, and each night he slept with Thor curled around him, both of their hands on his stomach. His belly had swelled to a prominent curve, but was not vey large yet.

In fact, they did not speak of the child growing inside of him. Thor rubbed his belly and Loki did too, but they never told stories or talked to it. Loki relaxed all night and all day, always right beside his beloved. Thor never looked at his belly for too long or talked about anything but their love for each other, but Loki could tell he was growing more and more excited. The pregnancy was over halfway through.

Loki woke to the gentle sound of waves. The sun had barely lit the sky outside of their tiny window, but he always woke at dawn. Thor was sleeping on his side, breathing slowly, his perfect form accented in early morning light. The sheets were cool and the very thought of moving seemed like it would warm them to an unbearable temperature. So he merely took one of Thor’s hands with his own and rested it on his belly while he stared outside the tiny window, watching the waves roll in.

When he finally shifted his leg to a more comfortable position, he realized that the sheets were very cold. Much different than usual. He glanced down, to see that Thor had covered him with a thick blanket sometime in the night, as he sometimes did when the air grew cold. Being a Jotun made Loki quite immune to chill, but Thor fretted all the same.

Then he realized that the sheets were wet. He closed his eyes and sighed with a flicker of amusement before shaking his brother’s arm.

“Thor,” he purred, rolling over to face his slowly waking husband.

“Mmm?”

“I believe you dreamed of me last night,” Loki said with a slight chuckle, rubbing noses with Thor before pressing a kiss to warm lips. Thor returned it sluggishly, then rolled over and rubbed a hand over his face.

A groan signified when his husband realized what had happened. “Perhaps I did.”

Loki chuckled. “This means we’ll both have to bathe, but I do not think we’ll be able to heat enough water for two.”

Thor smiled, his eyes still closed. “Mm, I suppose that means we will have to bathe together once more.” He turned , moving carefully over him to press more morning kisses to his lips. Loki purred in approval, snaking his arms around his husband’s neck and allowing his tongue to slip past those wonderful lips. As they kissed, Thor threw the blankets off of them, slowly pulling himself over him and toward the bathroom.

“Make sure—“ He was cut off by more kisses, “—you properly warm it this time, hm?”

Thor growled in response, then pulled off of him and stood.

His legs were dripping crimson.

Loki blinked a few times and the sound of waves stopped—everything stopped all at once. His eyes moved down along the white sheets to where they turned a vibrant red that darkened to a near black, centering between his legs. He was absolutely covered in blood from the hips down. He dimly remembered waking in the middle of the night to pain, but his evening elixir was ensured to keep him asleep. Thor’s eyes went wide, then he lunged to cover up the lake of red, but Loki had seen enough. Thor tackled him, pulling him into his arms and squeezing as tightly as he could. Loki blinked a few more times, then began to scream.

His fourth failure. The baby was dead.

 


End file.
